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Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
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5:04 pm - Five Cases of the Beautiful.
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First: I can't remember the first moment at all. But something happened to turn on my radar for the rest of the evening.
Second: Three prospective freshmen across the dinner table. Eager to please, to prove themselves to one another. A debate arose over the relative definitions of "pretty," "cute," and "beautiful." Certainly it's possible to be pretty without being beautiful, but what about being beautiful without being pretty? I turned to my neighbor to start a different conversation, one not designed to superficially show off supposed intellectual depth, but she chose that moment to join the others.
Third: Another consideration over dinner, one that interested me this time. Taking the case of a beautiful tree, a friend claimed that it would be less beautiful if surrounded by other equally beautiful trees, a beautiful forest. I was inclined to disagree*, but not quick enough to do so in conversation.
Fourth: Walking from the restaurant to the bus stop, I noticed the text in a store window. There have been too many intoxicants in my body since then to remember all the words exactly. The word "beauty" stood out to me, though, bolder and brighter, as we passed. -- edit: I went past the store again. "Beauty is where you find it."
Fifth: Back on campus, in my neighbors' room. The song as I entered: "Beautiful dawn lights up the shore for me." Another girl in the room sneered that James Blunt is a truly terrible songwriter. I didn't particularly agree or disagree, but I listened all the same.
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* A scale from a butterfly's wing is beautiful in itself, tiny and iridescent, fragile. Against hundreds of other scales, does it lose its individual beauty? Does the fact that the butterfly's complete wing is beautiful detract from the beauty of its component parts? And when that butterfly joins a cloud of its brethren, is it any less beautiful itself? Beauty, once found, continues to be beautiful on any level. A change in perspective can only give the opportunity to appreciate this beauty more fully rather than defeat it altogether.
current music: Hood - Outside Closer
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| Monday, April 9th, 2007
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4:35 am - a brush with cynicism.
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From my perch on the computer chair, I kicked out with my right foot, pushing off the desk and propelling myself in a clockwise circle. Lean back, eyes closed, head lolling, adjust the dynamic of the spin. After two glasses of wine and Karl Marx, it was the most entertaining activity that I could find on a Sunday night.
As I lost the momentum of the spin, he read out loud the first line of his Spanish fairy tale from the screen of his laptop. Then: "Sarah, give me a reason to live."
I considered the question seriously as I kicked off the desk again. Midway through the second revolution, I replied, "To positively affect change in another person's life."
His roommate snorted loudly from the other side of the room. He himself promptly declared, "That's bullshit." I allowed my chair to slow and finally stop. Oblivious, he amended, "Well, maybe you're right." Unenthusiastic, unconvinced. I wondered when my personal ideology had become a joke.
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| Friday, March 9th, 2007
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2:42 am - On objectification*:
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object, n.
1. A material thing that can be seen and touched.
2. A goal, purpose, or aim; the end to which effort is directed; the thing sought, aimed at, or striven for.
3. A person or thing to which a specified action, thought, or feeling is directed; the person or thing to which something is done.
4. A person who or thing which provokes admiration, pity, indignation, sorrow, etc.; a sight, a spectacle. Also colloq. (freq. depreciative): a pitiable, despicable, or ridiculous-looking person.
* Loosely lifted from the OED.
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| Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
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3:45 am - I had an epiphany this evening.
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I was in love with being loved.
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| Thursday, October 19th, 2006
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8:56 am
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My first official all-nighter at Stanford. Don't want to sleep because I have class in an hour. Stomach feels like lead. Made myself eat breakfast in hopes that it would get better, but no improvement yet. Finished my SLE paper (rough draft). Watched Princess Mononoke as a midnight study break. Couldn't sleep because of the ridiculous amounts of coffee I'd ingested; finished presentation for Experimental Instruments. Didn't want to sleep anymore; read some more of the Bible for today's discussion in SLE. Messed around on the internet. Took some random kid's linguistics survey, trying to guess the meaning of Korean words. Almost went to bed. Roommate woke up and took a shower. Took the opportunity to print off my paper and presentation handouts. Did laundry. Now trying to stay awake with the good ole internet. Probably going to get coffee on the way to class. Dunno if my stomach can handle it. Ugh ugh ugh. "Oh, Penelope, are you filled with air? Swallowed oxygen that makes you float up? It's a travesty, the way your lungs swell. It's depressing me to see you struggle." Dear Pinback, I love you, sincerely, Sarah.
current mood:  not so hot
current music: Pinback, "Penelope"
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| Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
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8:32 pm - Finally at Stanford
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Tonight there were hush puppies at dinner. I was so excited. No one else knew what they were, but that didn't matter. They were excellent.
My first few days I was overwhelmed by the sheer intellectual capacity of this place. These people seem to exist on a different plane from the one I previously inhabited. I have some catching up to do, but I think I'll be all right. I didn't have much trouble adjusting to the move, at least. There's plenty of vegan food, and my earliest class is Pilates at nine (monday and wednesday). The work is a bit intimidating after spending over three months literally sitting on my ass all day, but again, I think it's managable.
I haven't done much socializing, but I don't feel awkward about it. I'm just not too interested in the shallow first-quarter-freshman syndrome, the I-want-people-to-like-me exhibitionism. I have met a few neat people, though.
I am much more outgoing and forceful when I'm going to bat for other people. What does that say about me? Is it a particularly good or bad thing? I'm also more personable when I've had my soy caffe mocha, but that's a different story.
My brother has bought me a 1940s bicycle (currently being restored) and may also provide a printer and minifridge. What next? He's extremely resourceful now that I'm living this close.
My birthday is in eight days. Just in case you were wondering. It's strange, because in the past I've had almost two months of school before my birthday, but now it's more like two weeks. I'm getting so old.
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| Sunday, August 27th, 2006
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2:39 pm
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All right. I admit it. Veganism is tough, even if you're only doing the diet and not worrying about leather shoes or pearl jewelry. But so far I've been all right. Not sick, not malnourished, just a little snackier than before. Once you get into it, it's actually not that difficult.
So why won't anyone make me a damn soy mocha?
Yesterday, Molly blew off our plans to go to Notable in favor of dinner out with our mother. Today, Notable's soy milk had gone "no good." The owner said he'd go buy some more straightaway, but he hadn't left by the time I stopped back fifteen minutes later. City Limits doesn't even offer soy milk. And I'm sure as hell not going to Starbucks. (I actually did buy a soy mocha at Starbucks a couple weeks ago. I hadn't been there in over two years, but I was with a group -- didn't get a choice -- really needed the caffeine. It wasn't even very good.)
I am so frustrated.
The end.
current mood:  grrrr
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| Friday, August 18th, 2006
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12:00 am - Be Loud. Let Your Colors Show.
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| Sunday, August 6th, 2006
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3:10 pm
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You know what's a really funny word? "Dumpster." Seriously, think about it. "Dump-ster." Someone, somewhere, sometime came up with that word. What a stroke of genius.
I went dancing with Jeremiah again on Friday and we stayed out all night and it was so much fun. And Saturday I got my nose pierced. I'm generally pleased. Sore and tired and in desperate need of a back rub, but pleased.
Most people I know are leaving for college next week ish, but I'll still be here for a good five weeks. It will be sad and a little lonely. I forsee lots of movie-watching over at Xue's.
current mood:  warm & fuzzy
current music: Damien Rice -- I forgot how much I LOVE this man's music
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| Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
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1:03 pm
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Last night as I was falling asleep (or maybe I was already asleep, I can't remember exactly), I tried thinking of people I knew as puzzles. In a "If so-and-so were a puzzle, he/she would be ---" sort of way.
Take Spencer. He's a puzzle where about 95% of the pieces have been swept under the rug.
Bichlien. She's a puzzle with pieces from alternate dimensions that you can't quite seem to grasp right.
Blake. He's one of those 3-D castle puzzles that's such a pain in the ass but ultimately worth finishing.
Anwesa. She's a puzzle of all solid colors where some of the pieces remain stubbornly upside-down the entire time.
Me, I'm a puzzle of a smiley face with only four pieces. Heh.
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| Friday, July 28th, 2006
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4:42 pm - A Pet Peeve.
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Why do so many people spell "definite" with an a?
...
Ugh!
current mood: irritated
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| Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
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6:34 pm - "In another time you could be my friend."
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Cecile finally went back to France yesterday. Goodness gracious. I had forgotten how utterly exhausting it is to play hostess.
I did learn a few things during her visit (apart from the obvious French language/culture lessons):
- One is how slow I am to make friends and open up to people. I do all right when I'm not worried about making a good impression, but as soon as that becomes a factor, I'm as self-conscious as my first day of seventh grade.
- Two is that humor doesn't translate.
- Three is the way that I automatically lose any respect I have for anyone -- anyone -- who has something bad to say about my sister. It's just my natural reaction.
- Four is that I dislike conflict to such an extent that it makes me physically sick.
- Five is that I'm really, really bad at keeping my room clean.
My sister and I had a really typical moment today. Our parents had gone out to lunch, so we were both lazing around the house. Then the doorbell rang. I looked out the window and saw a FedEx truck (turns out they were delivering my headphones!). Wearing only my underwear, I stepped out of my room with the intent to get Molly to answer the door. Looking down the hall, however, I saw her in the master bedroom doorway wrapped in only a towel and looking very perplexed. It was hilarious.
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| Sunday, July 9th, 2006
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5:20 pm
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So I've been back for almost a week.
I found that the top three things I missed were 1) my friends, 2) my piano, 3) my car.
At least I'm not entirely materialistic.
Also, I have a French girl named Cecile staying in my house this month. You may have met her already. She is very nice and also pretty. Her English is better than my French. Surprise.
As for the World Cup... disappointed, yes. But Zidane is one hardcore motherfucker.
-- EDIT: I've decided I'm tired of the daisies, so here you are.
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| Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
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7:56 pm
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Hey guys.
I just wanted to say that I love you & I miss you.
Please don't let me lose you all when I move 2000 miles away. I am so bad at keeping in touch.
If I do fail, I still love you. Forgive me, for I am weak.
I would like to come back here someday with a group of friends. We can rent a house for a couple of weeks -- if we split the cost it should be managable. We will relax by the ocean in an artistic community with no plans or obligations. We will also get roaring drunk just for the hell of it. Who's interested?
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: Tracy Chapman <3
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| Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
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11:56 am
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New York is beautiful and fierce and vibrant always so alive.
There has been a change in the weather, or maybe just in me. Slow and steady so that it goes unnoticed until after the fact. A tree growing, a flower opening. Then it suddenly seems amazing, complex, impossible to duplicate. I am learning all the time.
My castle in the sky is built out of popsicle sticks and butterfly wings with Jolly Rancher windows and peacock feather gardens. Music comes in colored glass bottles for drinking, the only food you need. Smiles come in soap bubbles that pop like laughing. Love comes in blankets that you wrap up and fall asleep and are safe in.
( Set piece from the musical Wicked )
current mood:  optimistic
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| Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
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12:43 pm
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I think my skin must be negative thickness.
But it is still there somehow because it is possible to get under it.
More ee cummings:
seeker of truth
follow no path
all paths lead where
truth is here |
I am going to spend my graduation money on music and poetry, I think. And movies. I love movies.
current mood:  curious
current music: Patrick Wolf: Lycanthropy
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| Friday, May 12th, 2006
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1:17 pm - Every day is emo day!
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So we meet now at a crossroads, a sending-off place from whence all our paths diverge and go their separate ways. Where we'll end up is a secret only time can tell. I can't say much for the future, but I see the past quite well.
We have grown into each other inseparably, like the pieces of a puzzle, a patchwork harmony. We have laughed, we have argued, but always in love. Even walking away now, I swear it's you I'm thinking of.
These are my words; I wrote them out for you, and I hope that you hear them as I do. This is our song; I sang it out for you, and I hope that it rings true.
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| Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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5:47 pm
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On my way home today I saw:
... a blue bird.
... a yellow butterfly.
... a red fire hydrant.
... and greengreengreen grass and trees.
It is very difficult to wait exactly one minute.
I dislike stairs because they make everyone move at the same speed.
["and it's spring when the world is puddle-wonderful"]
current mood:  sleepy
current music: My Morning Jacket, "Dondante"
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| Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
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11:39 pm - [Drumroll, fanfare, etc.]
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You will all be pleased to know that I, Sarah Margaret Thomas, have successfully made a Big Decision.
Q: Where are you going to college?
A: Stanford University.
Admit Weekend was excellent. Xue and I found our way around campus, made new friends, and ( got our feet wet. ) As for next year, I'm nervous, I'm excited, I can't wait. Love & best wishes to everyone!
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| Saturday, April 8th, 2006
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7:57 pm
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Boutonniere: $7
Clearance rack dress: $22.25
Sparkly blue shoes: $2.50
Dinner at Tin Angel: $25
Spencer Kern as prom king in shorts: Priceless.
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